'Laser Mission' Review | shameface.com

Laser Mission is the story of.......well we're not sure. This movie is so poorly constructed that the plot is damn near incomprehensible. If you search around a little, you'll find as many as four or five different plots this movie supposedly has. They range from a special agent being sent to the Soviet Union to destroy a laser weapons compound to a mercenary being hired to kidnap a scientist from an obscure African nation.

From what we could understand, Bruce Lee's son, Brandon Lee, stars as Michael Gold, a mercenary of sorts working for the CIA. Gold is hired to contact/kidnap/protect a Professor Braun. Braun, played by Ernest Borgnine, is a German or Russian scientist who's developed some sort of super weapon that uses diamonds or lasers or something (it's not really clear).

The choice of roles for these performers is truly bizarre. Ernest Borgnine sports one of the worst fake accents I've ever heard (which is part of the reason it's unclear whether he's Russian or German), and Brandon Lee reminds me more of Scott Baio then a bloodthirsty mercenary. That said, the acting in Laser Mission isn't what holds the movie back. Actually, the actors seem to be the only talented individuals involved with the making of this movie.

What makes Laser Mission so confusing is the script, directing, and editing. The movie opens with some sot of banquet that's never really referenced again. Then the characters magically move from location to location. One minute they're in Cuba, the next they head "south" and end up in the desert somewhere. At one point Michael Gold escapes from what seems to be a Soviet Prison, then somehow charters a flight back to the U.S. This same sort of inconsistency exists in character development as well. If you aren't paying very close attention, you'll start asking questions like "where the hell did she come from?".

Ironically it's all these continuity errors that make this movie so much fun to watch. Well, that and some truly amazing dialogue. For example: "Who's he?" "He is Michael Gold." "I'm Michael Gold" "Ohhhhh...How do you do Michael Gold?". Conversations like this appear throughout the movie, mixed in with generic action movie rhetoric and more poorly done accents.

The movie almost seems to be made to fail. There's so many obvious inconsistencies and problems with the plot that one wonders just how many illegal substances it took to get this thing off the ground. For instance, Professor Braun magically winds up the prisoner of some foreign madman and utters something about death. Said foreign madman then shows Braun a bunch of green corpses. Braun appears disturbed, and doesn't show up until 20 minutes later, and in a different location.

Even the overall premise of the movie seems inconsistent. The title is Laser Mission, but there is never any mention of a Laser weapon. There is mention of a nuclear device, but the characters seem determined to keep an ordinary diamond out of the wrong hands. Oh, and all this is somehow suppose to prevent World War III. One can only assume the script was changed constantly as the movie was being made.

Fortunately the effects and action sequences are pretty good. Lots of car chases, gun fights, and explosions to hold your interest. There are several comedic moments during the action, but they are much more intentional than the rest of the movie's humor. Gold's infiltration of a Cuban military unit, for instance, is one of the funniest moments of Laser Mission.

In typical B-movie fashion, the same generic 80s-style theme is played during just about every action sequence. While the action sequences are fairly well done, the music often feels out of place and destroys whatever they were trying to do with those scenes. The lyrics are just plain laughable as well. Apart from those action sequences and that one song, there's almost no music in the movie.

Laser Mission is one of those movies that is unintentionally hysterical. One of the classic "so bad it's good" films, Laser Mission makes a good addition to anyone's bargain bin collection, if only to be laughed at as one of the movie industries greatest failures. You could almost believe that Ed Wood has risen from the dead and started directing action films. Our final decision:

Stats & Info
Rating: Rated R for violence and brief nudity.
Rarity: Uncommon
Genre: Action
Released: 1990
Country of Origin: USA
Video: Color
Audio: English
Plot: Mercenary must protect/capture scientist who created super weapon
How Bad Is It? - Consistently inconsistent, confusing from end to end, most of the movie goes unexplained, Ernest Borgnine can't do a foreign accent.