'Cheerleader Massacre' Review

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Oh No! High School cheerleaders in their thirties are being threatened by a psychotic killer in between softcore porn scenes. What ever will we do? Call the police? The Sheriff? A senior producer at PlayboyTV? Yes, with the large amounts of nudity and lack of plot, Cheerleader Massacre plays out much more like an edited Cinemax flick than a sexy thriller. Don't believe us? Watch the deleted scene on the otherwise sparse DVD. It features several (supposedly) teenage cheerleaders undressing and hoping in a bubble bath. One finds chocolate syrup, with which the cheerleaders cover their naked bodies. But who can resist the taste of chocolate syrup? If you can't guess where that scene progresses to, you're far too young to rent this movie.

While that particular scene didn't make it into the movie, the cheerleaders get naked plenty of times to assure an R rating. Even the girls' teacher gets a shower scene or two, though she looks about the same age as her students. The actresses are clearly not even close to their teens, but that doesn't mean they aren't attractive.

The filmmakers here tried to sell Cheerleader Massacre as the third sequel in the "Massacre" series of the 1980s. While the first three films in that series were loosely connected to each other, Cheerleader has virtually nothing to do with any of those films. You'll find "From the makers of Slumber Party Massacre" on the back of the box, but in truth this is an entirely different set of filmmakers. The only connection this film has with those films is a brief cameo by Linda, the main character from the first Massacre movie. It's interesting to see the same actress reprising her role many years later, but unfortunately she comes off as a crazy woman and has no involvement in the story at all. The police go to her house to interview her about her experience with a serial killer many years earlier. Why the police would do this when dealing with a different serial killer many years later is unclear, but gives the filmmakers a chance to throw in some footage from Slumber Party Massacre.

It seems strange that they would even try to make the connection with those other films, as this is clearly not intended for the same audience. Maybe this was a "real" remake that was somehow destroyed in the making, or maybe it was crap to begin with. Either way, this is nothing like the old films. The original movies were much better written and while there was a fair amount of nudity, it didn't hijack the focus of the movie as it does here.

The performances are fairly mediocre, especially if you haven't seen some of the god-awful rubbish that passes for horror these days. Casual movie-goers might be disappointed by the acting here, but those of us who have seen the D-grade and below horror films won't mind at all. Besides, they're hot and they all get naked, and isn't that what matters most? (E-mail telling me what a chauvinistic male pig I am can be sent to bobdroid at shameface dot com).

The plot of Cheerleader Massacre, as I mentioned before, is nonsensical at best. The villain changes at least three times within the last 20 minutes or so, and the ultimate conclusion doesn't match the proceeding story at all. That sentence in itself is confusing enough, but I won't say any more than that in case any of you plan on watching this movie. The bottom line is that this movie, while it's plot is weak, is certainly very watchable. It's not as over-the-top as the similarly titled Cheerleader Ninjas, but it beats the pants off Blood Gnome and Rodentz. Not a bad choice if you're in the mood for some mindless amusement.

Stats & Info
Rating: Rated R for violence, sexuality/nudity, language and some drug material.
Rarity: Common
Genre: Horror
Released: 2003
Country of Origin: USA
Video: Color; Fullscreen (1.33:1)
Audio: English
Plot: Cheerleaders threatened by serial killer during retreat in the mountains.
How Bad Is It? - Movie is driven by boobs, boobs, and more boobs, no plot, more boobs.