My Letter to Britney Spears

According to a somewhat recent article on IMDb, Britney Spears is taking a break from music in order to "start a family". This inspired me, and when have inspiration I do some terrible things. The following letter to Britney is a perfect example:

I think it's great that you're taking time off to start a family! It will give us all a much needed rest, especially those of us who find being savagely beaten by Mike Tyson while undergoing a prostate exam more pleasant than listening to 'Oops, I did it Again'. For some god-awful reason, not everyone feels the same way, so I've come up with a 5-step plan to help some of your more devoted fans deal with the loss of their hero.

Step 1: All copies of Crossroads are to be gathered together and burned in a public ceremony in Wisconsin somewhere. Seriously, what were you thinking? If Jennifer Lopez has contributed anything to the sum of human knowledge it's the fact that untalented female pop stars turn out to be even less talented actresses.

Step 2: All Spears-branded Keychains, Dolls, Pencils, and Notebooks are to be melted down and sold as toilet paper to Vietnamese children whose parents are wealthy enough to afford toilet paper. As part of a tax break deal made with the Vietnamese government, a portion of the ashes from the burned Crossroads tapes and DVDs will be used to help purchase educational materials for children whose parents aren't wealthy enough to to afford toilet paper. Textbooks will include Monroe's The Art Of Leaf-wiping, 2nd Edition

Step 3: Die-hard fanatics who refuse to relinquish their Spears memorabilia are to be declared Enemy Combatants and sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for re-education. They will be allowed to listen to a random thirty second soundbyte of the latest Jessica Simpson album each week in exchange for waiving their constitutional rights. This shall be the only outside contact they receive.

Step 4: Dump the implants.

Step 5: is to be decided upon by various factions of the Jewish Rap Scene and Satanic Christian Rock groups, who, once fulfilling this task, will be shot into space along with all your albums. In other words, I was too lazy to think of step 5. This kind of comedic genius isn't easy, you know.

In conclusion, I hope that you'll be as washed up as Cher by this time next month.