Generic Cult #5337 Now Accepting Donations

You know I for one am tired of all the negative press cults get, so in response I am writing this pointing out the better points of cults. Who knows maybe you'll join one, one day. First we'll take apart the workings of your generic cult. Then we'll look at why you need to be a part of this fast-growing business opportunity.

Generally based around one man who knows something you don't, for many this is nothing new. So you have a leader who knows something of importance usually involving the after life, or a new answer to the ontological question. Based on this information this guy preaches to the masses from his box on the corner. Slowly a group forms and devotes their finances and lives to spreading the message. They grow from a bunch to a plethora and if there lucky they'll build a compound for you to live in a blissful utopia where you can live until that wondrous day when; the world ends, ritual suicide, suicide in correlation to some date or event, predict the end of the world, you get the idea. So armed with this information they need some way to spread it to the masses, this is the fun part.

Why you should join a cult: you meet lots of like minded people, no worries about housing, great low protein meals, and a never ending amount of information about your new religion. Considering suicide? Why should you have to die alone and for all the wrong reasons. Think of how much better it would be to go with hundreds of others to ensure your place. On the news. Tired of all the horrible things that happen in the world? Then the compound is perfect for you, all the security of a fortress and the comfort of being close to the leader. Hate having to deal with personal finances? Great give it all to the church and you get meals some great new clothes and if you're lucky a hair cut. If you like guns great you get access to an immense arsenal for the reckoning day to fend off those who are impure or those meddling bastards at the FBI come knocking. That will show who's crazy and who's not in the most definitive way possible, god will clearly side with those who are right.

With great offers like that who wouldn't join a cult? Besides it's a great for population control and for keeping the gullible mouth breathers who join cults form breeding or taking up valuable space on sidewalks. People say that they were lured in to a cult, well that's crap you had to have some willing part in it so you deserved to end up there and maybe you came out less of a moron. If you survived, that is.